ho-hum, this is not my essay

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."



It always stressed me out when there are so many things you could be doing, but you can't be bothered to actually man up to do them. When there seems to be so much other stimulation, and you just can't focus on one particular thing. This seems to be then.

I have four word documents open, eight tabs open in firefox (only one actually relating to my essay), and two tabs for talking to people open on AIM. Given, my essay is getting closer and closer to being completed, and I even feel I'll be over the limit (then I will correct it), I still feel like in a way it is just to the point where you know you can finish it but you just don't have the drive to do so.

Of course, that isn't the only thing on my mind. I feel like I'm watching a friendship break with every word I type to some people that I haven't seen in forever. This will not be an emo post, I promise, I just think that it is a strange sensation that when you are talking to someone over chat you can sometimes feel the strain of the relationship, sometimes know that they aren't connected to you, and you realize that the annoying feeling you get when they don't ask you about your day when you ask about theirs, or when you speak to them it is only negative and when you try to inject positive it is for naught, it carries on past the conversation and eats at you afterwards.

I have to wonder...

Is it bad to know that you are watching a friendship die but don't know how to revitalize it?

Hm.

I'm going home on Tuesday, and I couldn't be happier to see my mom, my dog, and to sleep in my own bed, assuming no cousin of mine has used it for sex in between my visits. Regardless, I will wash the sheets and blankets and sleep sound.

I'm really looking for a Christmas dress! I really REALLY want to go holiday shopping. I've been buying things for my friends, but I really really reaaaalllyyyy want some "me" shopping. I want a pretty holiday dress, and some cute flat mid-calf ankle boots. I have been going through ebay and shopstyle to NO AVAAAAAIL. I just want to be pretty this holiday season because if I feel pretty maybe I'll actually have more confidence and generally be a better person. Let's all hope.

Speaking of holidays! I have so many cards to address and send off, and my secret santa for thefashionspot...oh man, so much to think about, so little time.

Anyway...

Henry the IV Part I is calling to me to talk to me about Jack Falstaff. I must leave. Until next time, whomever is reading this. Until next time.

cockiness sucks.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OREGON! YAY WINNING! I love that we've won! We only need to win against OSU (CIVIL WAR!), and then we go to the rosebowl! Let's DO THIS.

RIP Daul Kim

Rest in peace. You were such an asset to the fashion world and it's so tragic that you're now gone.

it's basically consentual cat rape.

When life gets you down and sad, dachshund cookies will make you glad!

led to

One of the dogs was super sparkly and I was convinced it was a vampire so I ate it.

As you may or may not know (or care), I've been gone for a few days. Between assignments, tests, and general CSI watching, it isn't any wonder that I've been so busy. You may think I'm kidding, but the most exciting thing that has happened to me was that on Tuesday night, when we (my roommate Ashley and I) were diligently (or not) studying for our tests the next day, got a rambunctious knock at the door that sounded as if it were an emergency, but since only our friends ever knock on our doors in a panicked, manic, crazy manner, we knew it was them, or one of them. They weren't talking, which was peculiar, because they are always so loud that you can hear them before they actually make it to the door. When I opened the door there were five of my friends and they were all singing a jingle that went When life gets you down and sad, dachshund cookies will make you glad!" hence the quote at the start of the entry. Then again, it wasn't really all of them singing, just one, but the sentiment was there and it was awesome. We both were super touched and needless to say, we have amazing friends who (even if they can be annoying, BUT WHO ISN'T AT TIMES?) really care about us.

It was a hilarious and sweet part of a crummy week, but I've been happier than I have been; I think it is partially because I don't want to be miserable. I mean, it's still rough, it's still part of times where I am left wondering why I am a part of such stressful situations that are slowly ruining my cheery disposition, but stress is a part of life. I have even learned to laugh at the fact that we were learning about stress in Psychology,and the poor health effects it causes over a long term, if only to see the irony in it all. Especially since that class is one of the classes I am worried about, after all, I do not know what the heck my grade is in the class. AT ALL.

Life has been better in the past, but never so much have I bonded over the strangest, most banal things that life has to offer. I mean, discussing the awesomely bad literature that is Romance novels (think Fabio and Ellora's Cave), laughing about the books that have our names in them (and then regretting the story line)...It's all really wonderful. The little things. I'm glad, too, because that is the thing that is really pulling me through. Yayyyy friends and little happy things!

As for this blog post, it is going on and on and I've been writing it for three days too long (note: I started this the night the cookies came, it has been sitting open in a window since, and it is about time to be shut down.) I don't know what to say, really, because it is going and going and going, but you know, it is about to end. So. Yeah.

i just saw a sign, and it opened my eyes

Man I keep having these nightmares
Won't leave me alone
I can't get a good night's sleep for the life of me
It's just so much drama
personal - professional - in the world
I need your help
Help deliver me from these
Hear me out, now
-Lyrics Born



It is times like this where I wonder if there is some cosmic sign denoting a change in my fate or what will come to be. You know, one of the times where you can guess that some deity is laughing at the insane disaster of it all or if there is some patron saint of luck that has decided to finally allow some unrest to cease and for me to finally be able to breath without feeling like there is some sort of cosmic plan that will make sure that anthrax will be floating around in the air in THAT particular moment, or some inhaleable fungus that would undoubtedly turn me into a mutant (not the cool, xmen kind, because that would be rad as shit and I'd be game for it hardcore) by brushing up against some bush when avoiding a fucking bicyclist who doesn't know how to ride a bike, and is probably from California.

This morning was rough. Because the weekend was rough.

Think of Saturday. Raining. UO lost because they were effing awful during their game, and it was generally miserable and lame, so what do me and Ashley decide to do? Go in the hottub because the whole of the week before sucked (but for my sanity and your sanctity of mind, I will not go into it)! Obviously! Only for Ashley to break her key IN THE DOOR GOING INTO THE HOTTUB. BECAUSE IT WAS LOCKED. EVEN THOUGH IT WAS EIGHT O'CLOCK AND IT WAS SUPPOSED TO CLOSE TWELVE. So the key snapped and my Monday morning started off with my roommate groggily coming out of her room (because she had to wake up early to go get a new key so she wouldn't have to stalk me today) and saying "we're late" while I was drying my bangs, I looked at the clock, and we were! SURPRISE. Not that I was really worried since I always go early to the busstop anyway, but we left and it was raining and me drying my bangs was all for naught.

I get to the bus stop. No one is there except this adorable (not quite hot, a cutesy kind of look) guy, only for the girl to talk to him who I passed on the way up and then I realized, clear as day, he was gay. Score one for that lisp+oh my god girlfriend combo.

The bus ride was boring, as per usual.

German started without any issues, whatevs. My friend Jen was saying that I looked like a ghost and that I should go eat a sandwich for lunch because it'd "make you look less like the undead," but otherwise we said YAY FOR THE BERLIN WALL FALLING, and proceeded to do homework. Blah blah, class ended.

I then proceeded to get a sandwich and coffee from the cute guy at cafe roma, score one.

I then went to get crafty materials for Christmas cards and I saw a sale of a lot of paper for ONE DOLLAR. so I got red and green for two dollars! score two.

Lunch went on, I failed at the crossword (sucky because it is MONDAY and therefore the EASIEST), my friend Jordan was describing his awkward yoga poses while drawing awkward yoga positions for his yoga homework that involved how, I guess, his soul was released when he bent into the "UTKATASANA" pose, but then again, that's better than I can do so what can I say? My lack of yoga skills cements the idea that I will only ever do yoga in the privacy of my own room and away from a place where people can blatantly see how awkward my lack of ass is.

Comparative lit was exciting because I stayed awake. My friend Jen (not to be confused with Deutsch Jen!) and I were basically not noting the whole class, and if she was anything like me, secretly hating the stupid people who always talk in that class because no one likes a suckup, while also wondering "wait...when did he start talking about the Urn and not talking about Homer? Wait, why were we talking about Homer and not Virgil? Oh, shit, was that a joke or was he being serious?" Despite this, I was doodling all around my little notebook and trying to come up with awesome ideas for christmas cards. I failed pretty badly and put it away in the middle, only for me to think about anything that wasn't comp. lit afterwards. Mission complete...I guess.

MATH was next and it went by really quickly. My Professor is so dorky and again referenced Good Will Hunting, which was hilarious, but that doesn't stop me from sucking at math.

Math ended, I went to see if I could declare my German major, he was out sick. Boo.

So I headed back to the Apartment and...well, the next few hours are a blur because I was definitely not doing anything productive. Not. At. All. I think it included playing flash games and dicking around on facebook.

However, something amazing happened. I was getting ready to be moody again when I realized that the good things were outweighed by the bad things in my life, when a song started to play. Shake It Off. I decided after that, that I was going to be in a better mood. That was all I could do, be in a better mood which would improve my mindset dramatically (as I opened the slideshow to read what lecture I missed by skipping last Tuesday's psychology lecture, I got another sign and it should be noted. "Stress and how it relates to health." A sign? I think so).

I had some chocolate. Went to the Gym. Caught up (a little) on the work I am behind on. Made a Christmas card. Watched part one of a three part CSI. Got to talk to my Mum and tell her how much I love and miss her and how Turkey day can NOT COME QUICKLY ENOUGH. And had an awesome conversation with blogger and NJ friend Taylor that made me smile. I decided life wasn't too terrible. There was a silver lining. And a light at the end of the tunnel.

If yesterday I decided I was a viking in a past life, I have now decided that in a next life I want to be a Buddhist Monk.

what has csi done to me?

"I don’t think that people accept the fact that life doesn’t make sense. I think it makes people terribly uncomfortable."




I live a pretty clean life. I don't smoke pot, I don't shank people, I don't go and rape and pillage villages for jewels in my spare time between German and Comparative Literature. I'm clean, but sometimes my mind wanders. Blame it on CSI, Criminal Minds, Bones...the entire smorgasbord, because I'm sure it all had something to do with it.

I'd be the worst criminal ever, realistically, as I am now, but you know, I always try to formulate the perfect crime in my head when my mind wanders. Well, always is not the right word, but my mind does sometimes venture to it and before I know it I'm looking around at shoe treads thinking "well you better not commit any crimes involving blood because YOU WOULD SO GET BUSTED FOOL. What you SHOULD WEAR is blah blah blah." I have a pair of moccasins that have no treads on the bottom (which fyi is not good for a place that rains a lot, because brick sidewalk when wet is not fun to walk on), and I often think "would they be able to track my footsteps? what if I sanded down the bottom after the crime so it'd be a different shoe?"

There is also solvents that dissolve blood that can just be used to cover your tracks, but that is obvious. There are gloves to hide handprints. And there is general know-how that can help people just...not get caught. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy that people get caught because crime is bad (mmkay), but it's just fun wondering if I ever were a criminal, could I get away with shit? Would the thrill be there? Probably. But in this lifetime I'd probably just fuck it all up with human emotions like guilt and sadness and, well, I'm not cutout to be a murderer at all.

however.

In another lifetime I was a viking. Definitely.

the beginning of the end

"I just went upside down in an all-male threesome. How is your morning?"




I'm never really sure where to start in terms of blogs and things of that nature. For example, I am never good at introductions to essays, I am awful at starting conversations, and I feel like if I were to write the start of a story it'd be complete fail. Regardless, this is the official. first. post. Contain your applause and get ready for awkward recounts of a life that is not particularly interesting, but is what goes on from the day-to-day (or week to week...or week to month, depending on how often I update) life experiences that make up the life of me.